Cheez-its + heavy whipping cream: part of your complete, balanced breakfast — if by “balanced” you mean “salty, fattening, and cheesy.”

I told my old roommate that I was going to eat this, and here’s what she had to say:

salt + milk = NO
EW
EW NO BAD

Standard.

It was incredibly tasty. In case you were wondering.

The recipe, in case you’re hungry for a savory/sweet pile of delicious:

Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe
between 1lb-1.5lb ground beef (don’t bother with sirloin or anything fancy, just get chuck)
1/2 of one large white onion, chopped
1/4 cup chopped green pepper
1/4 cup chopped celery (optional)
1 cup ketchup
2 tbsp brown sugar
1 tbsp minced garlic
1 1/2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp yellow mustard
1 tsp BBQ sauce
1 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp celery salt
a few shakes of hot sauce (my favorite is a brand called “Scorned Woman”)
salt and pepper to taste
brown sugar to taste
Krispy Kreme donuts (or hamburger buns, if donuts aren’t your thing)

Do This
Partially brown the ground beef in the biggest skillet/frying pan/wok you have. You don’t want it to be well-done, but get it at least halfway brown. Drain off some of the liquid/fat, wipe the edge of your pan clean (burns aren’t fun), and put the onions, peppers, and celery into the pan with the beef. The beef should finish cooking, and the veggies should start to get soft. If there’s not enough juice in the pan from the beef and the veggies are dry and look like they’re not going to get soft (sometimes draining works too well) add a little bit of veggie oil. Mix the ketchup, brown sugar, garlic, Worcestershire, mustard, BBQ sauce, garlic powder, chili powder, and celery salt together into a thick, goopy paste, and blend it as well as you can (I use a whisk). Once the onions are pretty soft, spatula the sauce into the pan, and thoroughly coat the meat and veggies. Keep simmering the meat/sauce/veggies on low heat until it all comes together and the sauce warms up. Shake some hot sauce over the pan (how much is up to you), and sprinkle on some salt, pepper, and more brown sugar (in case you want it sweeter like Manwich) to taste. Once it tastes the way you like it, kill the heat and spoon the sloppy onto Krispy Kreme donuts. This is messy, so I recommend eating it with a fork!

A note: you may decide that you prefer them hotter, or sweeter, or minus the BBQ or something, but it’s one of those easily-tweakable recipes! If the sauce is too sloppy, add more beef (or vice versa if it’s not sloppy enough). Serving on Krispy Kreme donuts is totally optional, of course!